The Spud-U-Like Mediocre 5000

The Spud-U-Like Mediocre 5000

  I have finally decided to fully embrace the digital age by purchasing a smart phone – the Spud-U-Like Mediocre 5000 to be precise. Previously, I’ve had to rely on typewriters and pigeons – with a nagging wife in the place of preset alarm messages and a lute instead of the latest entertainment apps.  I … Continue reading

History is a Fickle Cow

History is a Fickle Cow

  As an HB/NW, I’m constantly depressed by how much press, recognition or outright fame that other members of my family manage to achieve.  Being mundane ‘normals’ – mere consumers of entertainment – they could take or leave the valuable HB/NW commodity of publicity, so it frustrates me no end when they seem to do better … Continue reading

My Murdochtastic Global Franchise

My Murdochtastic Global Franchise

It’s been just over a fortnight since HB/NW went live so it’s about time I expanded my global empire. Not content with providing top quality tat to all three of you, I’m about to ‘do a Murdoch’ – no, not bug your phone, talk drivel about you in a daily rag and/or hijack your favourite … Continue reading

Pastygate

Pastygate

Picture the scene – you’re a hard working person, slogging your guts out trying to make ends meet in a global recession.  You may even be a public sector worker in the Northern town of Crapsville,  suffering from frozen pay scales and a limp (Don’t worry – you have an NHS appointment to see a … Continue reading

ARMED WOMAN VIOLATES COWELL IN THE TOILET REGION

ARMED WOMAN VIOLATES COWELL IN THE TOILET REGION

It has been revealed that an armed stalker managed to smash her way into Simon Cowell’s toilet area. The assailant – who had arms, hence my google friendly hyperbole within the title – allegedly managed to get into the superjudge’s bathroom on Saturday night. I’ll say from the off that any stalking, breaking and entering … Continue reading

The Voice – Marinaded in Nicejuice

The Voice – Marinaded in Nicejuice

Judged by a black eyed pea, an Irish scamp, a Pantene ProV advert and Aslan, The Voice is an experience that comes with a carefully crafted ‘positive spin’ on the talent show format.  Rather than taking the Britain’s Got Talent approach – turning up in a city, opening a Zoo and picking a few interesting … Continue reading

Like a Monkey Riding a Pig…

Like a Monkey Riding a Pig…

Sadly, there was barely a glimpse of elusive Pan Man Martyn Crofts on Britain’s Got Talent 2012 tonight.  He was only spotted in the closing moments of the show, waddling off stage like a showbiz duck avoiding the shooting season…  He did appear for a brief few seconds in Britain’s Got More Talent, however, claiming … Continue reading

Britain’s Got a Pan on its Head

Britain’s Got a Pan on its Head

I think that I may have been a little disingenuous when it comes to Britain’s Got Talent and Martyn Crofts – the potentially infamous Pan Man. A few days ago I claimed that this year’s ITV talent show output – and Pan Man in particular – would herald the apocalypse.  On reflection, this line of reasoning was … Continue reading