Filed under Britain’s Got Talent / The Voice

LESBIANS BROKE MY T.V. AERIAL

LESBIANS BROKE MY T.V. AERIAL

Every fact you will ever need to know about Lesbian Tornadoes – and I don’t mean aircraft piloted by gay girls. Also contains damning evidence that God hates Lancashire, along with a video of Vicars doing a catwalk show. In other words, the usual HBNW drivel. *Some facts may be twisted. Continue reading

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BREAKING NEWS:  Pan Man Heralds Age of the Super Human

BREAKING NEWS: Pan Man Heralds Age of the Super Human

It’s finally happened – Pan Man has exploded into the public eye, possibly damaging the public retina in the process…   Last nights Britain’s Got Talent 2012 provided the primetime stage as pan wielding performance prat Martyn Crofts warbled ‘King of the Road’, while glottally gobbling in order to sound like a Dalek. Larynx legend Martyn, employee … Continue reading

Stonehenge, Shopping and Stargates

Stonehenge, Shopping and Stargates

It surely can’t be long before Pan Man appears on Britain’s Got Talent 2012 and, as a nation, we must be ready. With this in mind, I really should get to the shops and buy a saucepan, in order to spice up my sex life before the inevitable rush… Naturally, I’ll be going to the ‘mall’ or, … Continue reading

ARMED WOMAN VIOLATES COWELL IN THE TOILET REGION

ARMED WOMAN VIOLATES COWELL IN THE TOILET REGION

It has been revealed that an armed stalker managed to smash her way into Simon Cowell’s toilet area. The assailant – who had arms, hence my google friendly hyperbole within the title – allegedly managed to get into the superjudge’s bathroom on Saturday night. I’ll say from the off that any stalking, breaking and entering … Continue reading

The Voice – Marinaded in Nicejuice

The Voice – Marinaded in Nicejuice

Judged by a black eyed pea, an Irish scamp, a Pantene ProV advert and Aslan, The Voice is an experience that comes with a carefully crafted ‘positive spin’ on the talent show format.  Rather than taking the Britain’s Got Talent approach – turning up in a city, opening a Zoo and picking a few interesting … Continue reading

Like a Monkey Riding a Pig…

Like a Monkey Riding a Pig…

Sadly, there was barely a glimpse of elusive Pan Man Martyn Crofts on Britain’s Got Talent 2012 tonight.  He was only spotted in the closing moments of the show, waddling off stage like a showbiz duck avoiding the shooting season…  He did appear for a brief few seconds in Britain’s Got More Talent, however, claiming … Continue reading

Britain’s Got a Pan on its Head

Britain’s Got a Pan on its Head

I think that I may have been a little disingenuous when it comes to Britain’s Got Talent and Martyn Crofts – the potentially infamous Pan Man. A few days ago I claimed that this year’s ITV talent show output – and Pan Man in particular – would herald the apocalypse.  On reflection, this line of reasoning was … Continue reading