A toy boat with fancy pens in it - earlier today

Global Warming – yesterday

We all know by now that marriage between a man and another man can cause problems with the Earth’s ecosystem. In a new study that I’ve just invented, gay men are to blame for the melting of the polar ice caps. It’s undisputed scientific fact and, although we can’t prove it, it’s still written in stone. Let’s move on.

Did you also know that lesbian love can create high winds that are strong enough to tear the T.V. aerial down from your roof ?

In my case, a recent lesbian mini-tornado made my aerial slump significantly, cracking a roof tile and even going through the felt. I have a damp patch now, and it was created by girl on girl action somewhere.

(To clarify, the damp patch is on my ceiling, due to rainwater seepage, due to the hole in my roof, due to lesbian loving. When I put it like that, it seems so obvious, hence the parenthesis for anyone who just wants to skip ahead.)

While my crooked aerial can still pick up stronger signals (from, say, the BBC), most if not all of the gambling, home shopping and nookie channels can no longer be received into my home. By far the biggest loss to me is, of course, ITV2 – the one channel that never fails to bring up the bile of bitterness within me, reminding me, as it does so effectively, that globulous lumps of fleshy pus are allowed on television at the expense of truly talented creatives such as myself. Yes – ITV2 helps me to maintain a sense of crippling cynicism that my black heart feeds upon – keeping me alive well beyond my bitter, twisted years…

Without ITV2 I am a mere empty husk –  this deep malaise being a direct result of the outrageous phenomenon that some pundits are branding ‘The Winds of Lesbos’.

How do these dangerous forces come into effect ? (Not in terms of my inner bile – I’m back onto aerial displacement due to recent changes in homosexual air pressure) Put simply, when two ladies meet and kiss and all that stuff, they think of cupcakes and pink things and clouds and romance – so while she is doing those mysterious, girly, downy belowy things, your average lesbian will sigh deeply. If there is a localised cluster of lesbian activity, then a small gay wind can occur – it is when this wind meets a straight one of equal force that a Wind of Lesbos can erupt, breaking my aerial and forcing me to get a man out to make me all erect again… as it were. I’m not gay – I love the environment.

The pathetic, homophobic pseudo science presented above is, of course, utter nonsense. Designed and hand crafted for your entertainment, the previous few paragraphs have been developed to ridicule the genuinely homophobic drivel spouted by UKip Councillor David Silvester who, according to the Independent newspaper, ‘…warned [UK Prime Minister] David Cameron that disasters would accompany the passage of the same sex marriage bill.’ Essentially, deluded godmonkey Silvester claimed that the recent UK floods were caused by God who, in his anger at gay people who wanted to tie the knot, decided to urinate all over Oxfordshire.

I’m not one to judge God… but surely if He had a full bladder and needed somewhere to go, he would start doing a big, deity sized wee wee on ministerial vestment makers Hayes and Finch, who offer a wool and polyester mix in one of their new godbotherer wraps. As top biblical scholars will know, God not only frowns upon gay lovin’ but also utterly detests certain fabric combinations… Leviticus 19:19 (Holy Bible. Author: God’s Hand So It Must Be True) states in part that one should not “…wear a garment of cloth made of two kinds of material”  But check out the sheer unholy disregard of Hayes and Finch’s Serenity range, seen at about the one minute mark of this exciting vicar catwalk video – as they flaunt a mixed fabric robe like a whore flaunting her boobies…


Mind you, Hayes and Finch are based in Liverpool – and it’s always weeing it down on the West coast of England… So, maybe there is something in the theory that God arbitrarily drizzles on those who spawn the fabric combinations of Beelzebub.  Come to think of it,  maybe David Silvester is right after all and my aerial really has been damaged by lesbian love.

What a way to go!

Still, I can’t hang around here damning people to Hell and calling down the wrath of God upon them just because the Bible calls them dirty pooscum – that would be a silly misreading of an ancient script for my own agenda.

Besides, the engineer has come to fix my erection problems and ITV2 awaits. Whatever you get up to tonight, whether it’s getting down to some sweet, sweet lovemaking, or simply trying on a cassock (before, during or after nookie), always wear protection – an umbrella… for God is watching…


© Nova Amiko and The Has Been Who Never Was 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nova Amiko and The Has Been Who Never Was with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.


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