BREAKING NEWS: Pan Man Heralds Age of the Super Human

It’s finally happened – Pan Man has exploded into the public eye, possibly damaging the public retina in the process…   Last nights Britain’s Got Talent 2012 provided the primetime stage as pan wielding performance prat Martyn Crofts warbled ‘King of the Road’, while glottally gobbling in order to sound like a Dalek.

Larynx legend Martyn, employee of the Skipton Building Society and part time galactic despot, was ushered quickly into the next round along with ‘Mr Zips’ and that golden bloke with wings.

I am reliably informed that Martyn will be performing LIVE on [REDACTED] night’s show – if you are thinking of taking your own life between now and then, you might want to reconsider giving yourself a rain check until Thursday, just in case the event in question makes you reconsider your part in the cosmos.


Let’s take a look at yesterday’s groundbreaking footage of furious oral onanism and wonder at what exactly must take place for Pan Man to conjour up his inner Dalek…  (Surely a difficult feat, as Martyn’s eyes almost pop out at one stage.)


Pan Man is a bona fide super hero – someone with mystical powers who walks amongst us. Alright, so his power is relatively niche and it probably can’t be used for fighting much crime.  Nevertheless, his ability to embody a fictional alien with the conviction of a spiritualist channelling Elvis is something that can truly be called ‘special’.

Perhaps we all have special powers tucked away beneath.  I, for example, can convert two dimensional images into a kind of faux 3D, using only the power of my mind and a lot of squinting at my telly.  It’s not going to get me on the cover of a comic book but I can save a fortune by shunning the latest 3D gadgetry.  My wife’s special power is somewhat unfortunate – she uses her toes as probes, walking into objects with alarming regularity.  Perhaps, should she ever become blind, like Daredevil, then she will be able to map her local environment using the power of pain.

So, have you got an innate gift to share with humanity ?   Have no fear if you’re struggling to come up with something – as certain powers can be developed by anyone with patience and too much time on their hands. Take a look at Tony Zirconia (below), who shows us how to shake our shakras.

Yes… I know… you’re thinking of your chakras but Tony can’t help you with those – instead, he will teach you how to perform a special ritual with your arms, in order to obtain ‘healing’.  Have a go – and trust me, you can do it if you practice enough.  Once mastered, this special power can transform you into a supernatural tour de force on a par with Pan Man himself, enabling you to add some spice to parties just at that point when you’re drunk enough to unmask the hero within…


Surely, the soul driven message behind the Pan Man is that we must all search for powers inside ourselves, no matter how utterly practically useless those powers might first appear to be.  We never know when the call will go out for super heroes like us… For example, the Doctor Who production team could accidentally break the modulator that provides the Daleks with their screeches.  We can rest assured however, that, should that day come, the show can go on thanks to people like Martyn.

Who’s to say it won’t happen ?

Who is to say that my faux 3D brain enhanced squint won’t be bought by Sony, in order to develop all new stereoscopic ‘mind tellies’ ?  Who is to say that my wife’s battered feet and lack of spacial awareness don’t hold some unrealised military potential ?

Who’s to say that your newly acquired skill of touching your ears and nose with wibbly wobbly hands won’t provide some mystical key to the future of mankind…

Develop your powers people…  Be a part of mankind’s evolution from the mundane to the ever so slightly less commonplace!  Join Pan Man on [REDACTED] night and vote for his act!  You’re not just voting for talent any more – you’re voting for the next stage in human advancement.


© Nova Amiko and The Has Been Who Never Was 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nova Amiko and The Has Been Who Never Was with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.


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