Stonehenge, Shopping and Stargates

It surely can’t be long before Pan Man appears on Britain’s Got Talent 2012 and, as a nation, we must be ready. With this in mind, I really should get to the shops and buy a saucepan, in order to spice up my sex life before the inevitable rush…

Naturally, I’ll be going to the ‘mall’ or, as we Brits call it, The Out of Town Shopping Centre… (because ‘mall’ is too easy).

The first example of an out of town shopping centre is, of course, Stonehenge. This strange arena of carefully placed stones has gone down in legend as a kind of giant, spooky clock for hippies, who regularly trot up there to tell the time (which, since the sixties, appears to be stuck on ‘more dope-o-clock’). Upon careful examination, however, you’ll see that the monolithic outer stones at Britain’s favourite henge are created to form rudimentary booths, through which one can walk – thereby entering the ancient equivalents of Next, or Virgin, or the Carphone Warehouse (known as the Horsebrick Outhouse back then – I checked Wikipedia). The ominous slabs in the centre of this arrangement are not for sacrificing Virgins to the god of the sun – they are merely tables, placed as part of the Stonehenge food court.

Of course, Stonehenge failed to attract a lot of business. A recent Channel Four Time Team telly programme – made up and lied about in this very article – suggested that the fall of Stonehenge might have been caused by a lack of parent and child horse parking. Perhaps the inclusion of a few wider spaces, closer to the main building, with easier access to one’s baby horseseats, would have attracted more families. There’s a learning curve with these things…

But there’s more to Stonehenge than mere shopping…  The whole thing was built on a layline, enriching the area with mystical power. In fact, all out of town shopping centres are similarly placed – with dark, brooding energy coursing through their structures, carefully harnessed and aligned to create something that our governments do not want to talk about…

A quick warning! By telling you what I’m about to, I’m no doubt going to flag this blog up on the watchlists of every government around the globe. (Thank God – I desperately need the hits). You might call me a fool – but I’m a fool with the truth…

Out of town shopping centres are giant space time portals, utilised for instantaneous travel from one to the other.

Stonehenge was the first grand experiment and the pseudo scientific technology involved therein has finally been perfected. It works like this… Every out of town shopping centre around the globe has the same range of franchised shops within but all subtly rearranged so that the layout of any one mall is unique. By harnessing the power of lay lines beneath a shopping centre, the military can programme the unique configuration of another mall into a super computer, thereby creating a wormhole between each place. If you can imagine a stargate off that telly programme – but with brand logos instead of ancient Egyptian symbols all over it, then you’re close to understanding how the whole thing operates. Portals are usually found within senior staff lavatories in the centre. Individual store managers – who are, in fact, secret black ops personnel who happen to have name badges – use the network to get around… it’s actually quite good for the environment really, so the idea does have a few merits.

You think I’m insane, but the stargate theory single handedly explains so many things about the usual out of town shopping experience…

This is why every shopping mall looks identical at first glance but why you still can’t find the ruddy shop you’re looking for… they’ve all been jumbled around using an ancient, occult, scientific formula.

This is also why the manager of every shop appears to be unavailable whenever you want to complain about something – they’re all thousands of miles away through their secret portals, stalking Al Queda leaders.

Stargate theory also explains that otherworldly, dislocated feeling you get if you can’t find your vehicle in the labyrinthine mall car park – there may have been a brownout while you were trying on bras in La Senza, and you’ve been transported to a similar shopping centre in Moscow. Because all the shop logos look the same, you would have probably made it outside the building before realising that the background chatter of passing shoppers is as unintelligible as Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men, at which point, the only senior manager still in the complex would have whacked you over the head, drugged you up and sent you back home.

Have no fear readers – all this proves that those large corporations represented in our shopping centres aren’t here to screw us all over. No – they’re merely bit part players in a worldwide governmental wormhole experiment. Or something…

Drat and blast! It looks like I’ll have to knock the saucepan buying on the head now as I’ve got little chance of getting to a shopping centre for a while.  You see, either I’ve been talking rubbish, in which case I have a dire need for immediate mental health intervention, or I have stumbled across the truth and I’m going to be shot quite soon…

Either way, I’m going to be lying down for a long time…


© Nova Amiko and The Has Been Who Never Was 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nova Amiko and The Has Been Who Never Was with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.


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