Like a Monkey Riding a Pig Riding a Monkey Riding a Pig

As my three regular readers will know, I have a bit of a soft spot for Martyn Crofts a.k.a. Pan Man – one of this year’s novelty acts appearing in Britain’s Got Talent 2012.  It has so far been revealed that Pan Man places a saucepan on his noggin and talks like a Dalek – this information alone ensuring his place in the modern art world as the New Damien Hurst…

A few days ago, I declared that I would attempt to ride Pan Man’s inevitable fame just like that monkey rode that pig on youtube…  It’s a fairly unflattering metaphor for all concerned but it does seem to capture the essence of what I’m attempting.

I, of course, am not alone in my pighopping predilections – the analogy serves well as a general representation of the media’s relationship with the entertainment industry.  I would add that this relationship, in it’s purest form, isn’t merely one way –  the interplay between showbiz and, say, the tabloids, being more akin to a monkey riding a pig, who is riding a monkey, riding a pig…  Imagine a mashup film based on The Human Centipede and Animal Farm… with tabloid journalists… and you’re beginning to envision the picture in my head.

(You may now wash your brain with mind bleach)

In other words, there is a self feeding, quid pro quo, hype generating mass of animalistic interweaving that exists  in the world of spin that benefits both journalist and celebrity alike.

Look at my small time media experiment of riding Pan Man’s act, for example.  Hopefully, by picking a controversial, gossip friendly figure, I can increase traffic to my bit of the internet.  I also hope that, in a very small way, it raises the profile of Pan Man, if only to you three readers. All that monkey / pig action might look ugly – it might even amuse –  but I can assure you that all the animals are having a whale of a time!  You can take PETA off speed dial now…

It’s when the relationship becomes more one sided that things start to turn nasty – the more dominant creature slowly exerting control upon the other – and it’s usually the media that turn an innocent bit of hog riding into something more insidious.

Take the recent example of Tulisa, an X Factor judge who once decided to spice up her sex life, with then boyfriend MC Ultra, by using a camera.  Where one used to use feathers (or, in the case of the very kinky, a whole chicken) to add some sauce to one’s sexburger,  nowadays everyone tends to use mobile phone cameras to add a little something extra… This is probably because they are easy to hand when the couple in question decide to get a bit sexually silly.  No worries there – sex is supposed to be fun and, with top quality autofocus combined with low light capability, one no longer has to be David Bailey with a full lighting rig to make naughty time a bit more phwooar.

So Tulisa and her fella had a nice time and a camera was involved.  Everything was fine until Tulisa began to gain more fame, at which point someone released the film-based feather on the internet. I wonder who ?

Going back to the monkey / pig metaphor, some dirty baboon decided to use private, sexually explicit material in order to raise his own profile and/or make some cash.  This action was soon pounced upon by tabloid owning pigs who wanted to sell more papers by stirring up the story further. Tulisa attempted to truncate the whole affair by publically apologising for her essentially normal sexual drives in an incredibly brave video regarding the event.  I present it here not to add further hype but to to show what real stars are made of…

Some papers truck out the usual garbage that celebrities, who may court them for publicity, deserve everything they get when private stories begin to surface. That’s the same as saying that the youtube pig would be to blame if the youtube monkey riding it decided to scratch and bite.  In the media, as well as in life, individuals sometimes choose to twist their associations, to turn once harmless symbiosis into parasitic powerplay.  That’s when papers like News of the World (RIP – ripped into pieces – thank God), people who leak sex tapes, – or, indeed, anyone who turns to abuse within a relationship –  should be seen for what they are: cheeky monkeys no more but the worst form of parasites, hiding behind a promise of mutual aid and benefit while secretly waiting to suck blood.


© Nova Amiko and The Has Been Who Never Was 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nova Amiko and The Has Been Who Never Was with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.


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