It’s been just over a fortnight since HB/NW went live so it’s about time I expanded my global empire.
Not content with providing top quality tat to all three of you, I’m about to ‘do a Murdoch’ – no, not bug your phone, talk drivel about you in a daily rag and/or hijack your favourite TV show in order to hold it to ransom on Sky. I’m simply talking about expanding my media grasp of the globe…
To this end, I’ve invested in CrapsatONE – Britain’s leading bucket of space metal – currently rotating the Earth in the opposite direction to every other satellite. Using this hunk of junk, I intend to provide not only this HB/NW site but also a whole host of exciting (i.e. cheap) offshoot ‘channels’…
Firstly, no self respecting deliverer of digital delights can be without a time shifted channel. HB/NW+1 – uploaded an hour after the first HB/NW articles have ‘aired’ – will offer exactly the same content as the original HB/NW, but there will be an additional, picture-in-picture, live video feed of me crying due to the lack of immediate hits that my latest dross has received.
Then there’s HB/NW ARTS – which will air lots of gratuitous pictures of my naked bottom. (It’s a poor gag – but unfortunately I now have a number of channels to work on with the same budget, so the quality is bound to go down a tad…).
Following on from that, we’ll be tapping into pervert power with HB/NW FILTH – which, again, will air lots of gratuitous pictures of my naked bottom. Why waste content on one channel when it can be stretched to suit another niche audience ?
In addition to the above lineup, there will be HB/NW PARLIAMENT, a channel with up to date, incisive, cutting edge commentary concerning our government… In other words, …yes… you’ve guessed it… lots of gratuitous pictures of my naked bottom.
Finally, there will be HB/NW Extra, where I hope to occasionally dump material that is too rude, crude or otherwise offensive for this place. HB/NW Extra actually exists as a separate, irregular ‘no holds barred’ blog, containing even more toilet humour, even more big boy words and even less careful editing of content. Please don’t have a look if you might be easily offended – if you’re my parents, for example… or members of the extreme religious right… or contestants on Britain’s Got Talent.
I hope that HB/NW Extra will help me to maintain this site as something broadly accessable to all – yet will give me somewhere to go when I want to call our Prime Minister a c…onservative.
Sorry! I’ve only been at this multi channel lark for five minutes and I’ve already started to place overbearing, unwieldy advertisements for more of my stuff all over the place. I wonder how providers like Sky manage to output their content while avoiding this kind of spamtastic nonsense every ten minutes ? (Cue a wry smile!)
A quick word about funding… I was going to scramble my satellite output in order to grab subscriptions and make a bit of money. Unfortunately, that kind of thing tends not to work for anybody other than Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp – who own a considerable share in Sky…
As an honest to God, completely coincidental, ‘you really couldn’t make this up’ type aside, News Corp also currently own a slice of NDS, a British based expert in digital encryption. According to the BBC, a senior at NDS allegedly supplied hacker website The House of Ill Compute with codes that enabled users to unscramble Sky Telly’s one time rival – ONdigital. Sadly, ONdigital is no longer with us, as it was crushed to death, in no small part due to the actions of The House of Ill Compute
… using information allegedly supplied by NDS
… a subsidiary of News Corp
… which part owns Sky.
But don’t read too much into that…
All I’m saying is that I’m not going to scramble my oeuvre as I don’t want hackers anywhere near my digitals, thank you very much.
Ahhhh Sky… They might have subjugated everything in Earth’s orbit, but with HB/NW ARTS, FILTH and PARLIAMENT, I’ve staked my claim on the moon!
For the visual arm of my global empire, visit www.youtube.com/crapsatONE
For naughty swears and occasional tat, visit www.hbnwextra.wordpress.com
© Nova Amiko and The Has Been Who Never Was 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nova Amiko and The Has Been Who Never Was with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.