Pastygate

Picture the scene – you’re a hard working person, slogging your guts out trying to make ends meet in a global recession.  You may even be a public sector worker in the Northern town of Crapsville,  suffering from frozen pay scales and a limp (Don’t worry – you have an NHS appointment to see a specialist about that… in June).

You may have just been told that, due to new government ideas for ‘economic growth’, you’re going to end up with significantly less wages, simply because you don’t work in a castle in rural Moneyfordshire – where the economy is booming due to bouyant sales of caviar and truffles.

Perhaps you’re nurse who is about to have your pay slashed by the political equivalent of Freddy Krueger… Perhaps you own a small sweet shop that depends on the passing trade of civil servants who,  thanks to government cuts,  can no longer afford to buy their daily dose of Mintoes. Perhaps you’re none of these… just a sad HB/NW with no sense of future and a busting hangover…

What can you do to cheer yourself up ? How about a little walk in the fresh air and a treat from Greggs the Bakers… ?

You decide to take some of your lunch hour today – I know…  you really shouldn’t as the real health of the nation depends on people like your good self – should you grab some time away from the grind, you’ll only have to play catch up on your already excessive workload in the afternoon.

It starts to rain.  OK, so the UK is currently experiencing record breaking levels of sunshine, but let’s face it, your treat was never going to pan out so well was it ?

Limping to Greggs, you join the queue of grey faced, soul crushed workers and wait impatiently for your turn to choose a little crumbly boost.  It is then that you discover that an idiot in parliament has placed value added tax on your precious pasty pick-me-up.  Not just any old VAT, however – no, this VAT is solely for warm pies.  Yes – Osborne (who Marvel comic fans will know as the Green Goblin underneath that slightly crazed smile) has micromanaged your day a little further in the hope that you’ll be put off eating ‘junk food’.  Now go home fatty and eat some lean, diced swan just as our healthy, bright and wise leadership do!

A sausage roll, earlier this week. The Pasty declined our offer of an interview.

A sausage roll, earlier this week. The Pasty declined our offer of an interview.

You now face a dilemma – will you pay the extra twenty pence or so for a warm death laden delight, then limp out of the shop wishing to choke on your purchase – the implication that you’re poor and fat and stupid for eating a lukewarm pasty sticking in your throat along with all that lovely, yummy, hot gloopy gravy ?  Or do you stick to your guns and order a cold pie – waiting with everyone else while the freshly made mounds of supposedly malignant meat reach a less VAT baiting temperature – at which point you can struggle into the rain and ‘enjoy’ your soggy, limp, congealed ‘treat’ while the world does a big wee wee on your designs of happiness ?

There is an alternative to this nonsense of course – why not buy a couple of cold pasties to throw at George Osborne should he ever skulk out of his ivory tower and into the real world.  Should you be successful in your pie throwing endeavours, and your inevitable arrest and court case arrives, you can always ask for a twenty percent reduction in your sentence, because your missile wasn’t freshly baked.

Alternatively, you could always send a letter of complaint, perhaps just a blank piece of paper, or even a pasty through the post to George Osborne’s office in Tatton, Cheshire…

Don’t worry about the price rise in stamps. Simply leave them off your package, or bung on a couple of pence worth just to confuse everyone at the other end.   Hopefully, Osborne’s chums will be hoodwinked into paying the difference in delivery costs – plus that exorbitant fine that the royal mail always dishes out…  Remember, under the current Royal Mail system, the recipient of an underpaid delivery must decide whether or not to pay the penalty before he or she is allowed to see the mail in question.  Nine times out of ten, people will pay just to discover what the mystery letter or parcel is.

Now that’s cheered up your day hasn’t it ?

 

 

© Nova Amiko and The Has Been Who Never Was 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nova Amiko and The Has Been Who Never Was with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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