It has been revealed that an armed stalker managed to smash her way into Simon Cowell’s toilet area. The assailant – who had arms, hence my google friendly hyperbole within the title – allegedly managed to get into the superjudge’s bathroom on Saturday night.

I’ll say from the off that any stalking, breaking and entering or assault on individual privacy is despicable, whether the victim is famous or not.  I’m sure that Simon Cowell, like anyone, would have felt shocked, frightened and disorientated by the sudden appearance of a stranger in his home.

The kind of rabid hype that we have
come to expect from 'The Rat'

Having said that, the tabloid newspapers seem to have blown the incident out of proportion compared to other potential news leads, plastering what little details they have had onto the front pages and barking out any old headline guff that might get people to read what they’ve written…

I would NEVER use such tactics…


The timing of this red topped rabble rousing, coming as it does during a talent show ratings war between Britain’s Got Talent and The Voice, tempts me away from the real story of a possibly disturbed woman and a shocked television star.  Instead, I can’t help but visualise someone like P.R.tsar Max Clifford, in a dress, climbing through Cowell’s loo window, brandishing a mobile phone with Rupert Murdoch on speed dial…


It feels as if a very frightening, serious and dangerous affair has been leapt on as a vehicle that roars “This is very important news, now please watch Britain’s Got Talent!!!”, the whole thing being spun faster than a washing machine pimped up by Doc Emmet Brown, then fed cocaine instead of washing powder.

Not to be outdone by the Cowell story, The Star has added a bit more stock to the hypegravy, reporting that The Voice mentor Jessie J is now beefing up her security because of Simon’s break in.  Poor Jessie J – nothing has happened to her but it might have happened, and if it had happened, how would she have coped ?  Luckily, thanks to her forward thinking,  if the thing that hasn’t happened to her does now happen then it won’t happen like it did with Simon Cowell.  This is very important news… now please watch the Voice!!!

I’m left wondering what we’ll be reading tomorrow.  Perhaps BGTs Amanda Holden will counter-attack with news that she has hired a ninja ‘just in case’, at which point The Voice supremo Tom Jones will tell us that he’s been trained in the art of Kung Shui – the mystical art of furniture rearrangement, performed in order to cause serious injury to anyone wandering through the lounge in the dark.  (Stalkers tend to move around with the lights off – It’s Not Unusual.)

Still, at least all this ratings related hypemongering manages to keep boring news off the front pages…  I mean, do you really want to be informed at a glance about the conservative party who, it appears, will happily take the odd bung of cash in return for tea at number ten and the ear of the Prime Minister ?


Coupled with a recent budget that steals from the poor and gives to the rich, news that our government may be giving the rich a chance to help define that kind of policy (after a little donation to party funds, naturally) just seems extra dull.

Pass me my pillow – how will stuff like that affect the mood on the major British broadcasting channels this Saturday night ?

Hey Mister Tabloid Editor!  How about sticking all that ‘corrupt politicians screw the country over for a bit of extra party cash’ stuff on page two, next to the girl with the big boobies.  We just want to salivate over a recent, shocking incident in a millionaire’s lavvy…

I’m sorry.  This story has been rushed into a prominent position with a hype riddled headline and potentially inflammatory, emotive language, in the hope that I can cynically generate traffic from passers by.  In a way, I am helping to perpetuate a myth that showbusiness is more important than life changing politics…

 …is the kind of thing that tabloid editors should write in their papers every so often.

© Nova Amiko and The Has Been Who Never Was 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nova Amiko and The Has Been Who Never Was with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.


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