Like a Monkey Riding a Pig…

Sadly, there was barely a glimpse of elusive Pan Man Martyn Crofts on Britain’s Got Talent 2012 tonight.  He was only spotted in the closing moments of the show, waddling off stage like a showbiz duck avoiding the shooting season…  He did appear for a brief few seconds in Britain’s Got More Talent, however, claiming a deep seated love for the Chuckle Brothers

I’m annoyed by his absence because he and I are now intrinsically linked.  You see, I have picked my champion of cheese – the focus of my BGT blogs for the coming weeks – in the hope that I can ride his rising fame like that monkey rode that pig on youtube…

The idea is a simple one – pick a kooky fool who will be appearing on Britain’s Got Talent this year, tag the act in your text, talk it up and treat it as your personal pork based portage, all in the hope that your comments on your pig’s performance will be picked up by internet surfers hungry for gossip… I’ve already chosen my ride, and I’ll be desperately clinging on to Pan Man as he waddles into the zeitgeist.  Will my swinelike chariot take me further up the road to recognition or will he divert me down the drive of D-lister disappointment ? Only time and the editing decisions of the Britain’s Got Talent production team will tell…

You too can ride a BGT slab of porky entertainmeat.  Pan Man is taken – his fate shall be my fate – but you could jump onto Dennis Egel, the German singer who dons a gold shower cap and retractable wings, or perhaps Bradley and Barbara, the poetry and expressive dance combo – both ‘frontrunners’,  having already appeared last night.  Perhaps, like me, you would rather play the long game and choose someone from later shows – the girl group with light up underwear, perhaps, or the zimmer wielding pensioners tipped to appear soon, or maybe some currenly unquantified novelty that will turn up eventually (probably with a dancing dog in tow).

Fancy yourself as a cheeky monkey ? Why not join the Britain’s Got Talent 2012 Grand National Hogracing championship.   Will your beast make it to the finals or will he or she fall at the first hurdle ?    You’ll have to jockey up to find out…


The rules are simple…

  • To register your ride for entry, simply claim a novelty act from this year’s BGT 2012 lineup and give him or her a suitably horsey name.  Now work out your current average blog traffic per day and write both of these key details in a comments below.  Congratulations!  You have now entered the dizzyingly exciting world of the Simian Jockey.
  • Use whatever means – fair or foul – to flog the blogosphere into a frenzy and to gather google gogglers. It will be just like being a tabloid journalist, but with a horsewhip.  Now ride your thoroughbred to victory, sir or madam, as googlejunkies and blogmonkeys click in your direction!
  • The ‘race’ will finish when the end titles roll on this year’s Britain’s Got Talent , at which point simply post your new average hits per day on a dedicated page here on the HB/NW blog.  Whoever has generated the most new readers since entry will be deemed the winner and will get to wear the BGT  2012 Chimpchampion Crown for a whole year!  Sing hosannahs!

A few technical rules…

  • You may still blog about someone else’s piece of pork, but to be sportsmanlike, do provide a link to the blog of the ‘owner’.  Or don’t… who am I, your mother ?  You seem to be taking this as seriously as the pig you’re trying to ride!
  • Do let your readership know what’s going on, unless your blog is of a surreal nature anyway.  Tell you what… send your readers my way and I can explain – I need the hits!  (There’s always a plan!)
  • If your beast obtains an injury (I.e. is knocked out of the competition due to drug use, a forged application, a sore throat or a wish to return to normality etc) then he or she will have to be shot.  As was the case during filming of HBOs Horseracing TV series Luck, should three animals die then the competition will be declared null and void – in order to prevent PETA from storming my house.

Now go!  Pick your Hoggy Hopeful, cling on tight and enjoy their ‘journey’.  I look forward to racing with you.



© Nova Amiko and The Has Been Who Never Was 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nova Amiko and The Has Been Who Never Was with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.


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