On Sport Relief, General Health and Poo in the Thames

It’s Sport Relief day here in the UK – during which money is raised for charity through sponsored physical exercise – running a mile, cycling, that kind of thing.  Little Britain’s David Walliams even dared to swim in our famous, faecally infested river Thames, bagging over a million pounds for Sport Relief… and E.Coli.

I considered doing some fund raising myself but the only exercise I partake in occurs when sitting on the toilet, trying to squeeze a friday fry-up through my alimentary canal.  It’s worth noting that David Walliams swam through a river containing millions of cubic metres of raw sewage – no doubt the results of similar HB/NW, breakfast freeing exercises performed in London.  Sadly, it’s the closest some of us struggling creatives will ever get to a TV appearance – our colon cake causing Walliams to vomit during documentaries and news reports of the swim…

My Gym

Such is the nature of showbiz to a true HB/NW… sometimes the cameras are our friends, sometimes they shun us, and sometimes our bumfudge ends up with more media exposure than we do.

Go on – give the man some cash:- go to www.sportrelief.com/walliams


I really should get healthy in order to fully capitalise on the media opportunities within Sport Relief… and help those in need, obviously.  With this in mind, I’ve drawn up a few health tips for any struggling Has Been who Never Was…


The weight to aim for is BORDERLINE OBESE.  If you’re driving a car in a thirty mile an hour zone, any sensible, considerate road user would, if at all possible and safe, drive right up to the thirty mile an hour limit.  When driving, we tend to squeeze the maximum out of the parameters set for us by the government and, if one looks at weight in the same way,  we should be aiming right for the red line, without going into coronary car crash territory.


It’s hard to have a showbiz battle with alcohol if you don’t have a nip of the stuff every now and again…  Remember, it’s not a drink problem – it’s a P.R. exercise!

Now, I’m well aware that my attitude towards alcohol is incredibly immature.  To be fair on myself, I’m only being more open and honest about a general disregard for drink related health issues that many middle aged, middle classed men currently have in Britain. There are dozens of reports telling us that we forty plus old farts drink too much wine and that we don’t give a toss whether or not our livers decide to curl up and die.  Just because we happen to be sitting in comfortable sofas, listening to Vivaldi and perusing BBC4 for arts news doesn’t mean we’re not consuming alcohol at levels that even your average, Diamond White swilling, park bench squatting teenager would baulk at.  Given the level of our so called maturity towards the demon drink, we middle aged might as well be re-embracing our wild youth by listening to a Back to the Eighties compilation CD and trying to drunkenly snog anything in neon pop sox,…  In fact, while your CD player gently weeps, why not go the whole hog and try lighting one of your smelly bumwhistles along to the dulcit tones of Scritti Politti.


You all know the scenario – a famous person stumbles out of a nightclub at three a.m. But, rather than punching a photographer, he or she rides over the pap’s foot with a Range Rover.  It’s a sad sign that even our celebrities don’t always take the opportunity to work out.

HB/NWs need exercise too and one way to tone up is to have a sycophantic tellynerd follow you for autographs while you try to run away.  Bear in mind that you may have to rent a fan if you are still struggling in your career but they do come at very competitive rates – apparently, ‘I didn’t beat her, I only hit her twice’ telly legend Dennis Waterman has a couple of hangers on looking for transfer at the moment.

I personally prefer to give something back to the showbiz community by pursuing the fleeing famous for a press of the pen…  Try chasing ITV2’s Steve Mulhern for exercise! I hear he has a smooth, evenly distributed running pace for beginners – ideal for a chilled out summer run.  You can always speed him up a little by begging to appear on Britain’s Got More Talent as a background giggle artiste.  (You know the ones – those people who guffaw behind the camera during live telly, in order to give a show that slightly more anarchic edge.)

For something with a bit more pace, try approaching Doctor Who Davros actor Julian Bleach – apparently he’s still got his bobbly be-dalek-skirted wheelchair and it’s been pimped up by MTV’s Xzibit.

Don’t try chasing Jedward – they’ll stop for you!

As ever, I offer a lawsuit busting caveat to the above tips – ‘What do I know… I’m just a Has Been who Never Was’.  Please don’t try stalking celebrities, drinking too much wine or becoming borderline inoperable due to weight gain, just at the point in life when you might need a triple heart bypass. Always wear a condom and if you get shampoo in your eyes then rinse with warm water immediately.

And don’t swim in the Thames… or you’ll catch something more malign than mere fish!


© Nova Amiko and The Has Been Who Never Was 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nova Amiko and The Has Been Who Never Was with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.


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