SCIENCE NEWS: Monkey Trained to Generate Spam

I wrote yesterday about our big British budget speech and I realise that I’m getting a few readers from the United States who may not know who George Osborne is – put simply, he’s a nut munching, tyre swinging simian who holds the keys to British economic destruction.  Thank god he can’t open doors yet!  He can, however, concoct a hair brained scheme in which nurses, teachers, social workers etc, who dedicate themselves to improving the lives of people in deprived areas, will be ‘rewarded’ with less pay than their otherwise equal counterparts in more affluent regions of the country.  (Of course, Osborne didn’t quite put it quite like that in his Budget speech – I mean, that would sound horrible.)

To be frank, I’m jealous America – you send your monkeys into space while we can barely train ours to read out Britain’s credit card number.


Now that you all know who Curious George is I can move on…

Yesterday’s budget speech confirmed two key things in my life.  The first is that a man in a suit talking for two hours about percentages doesn’t turn me on.  I tried George… oh how I tried.  At one point I even pictured you naked – not for any sexual reason, I hastily add – it’s just that I was so bored that I ran with the first thing that popped into my head, in order to dull the excruciating tedium of your voice…  And, as I’m a man in my forties, currently crashing through a mid-life crisis, the first thing that came into my cranium was a nipple.

The second thing that I discovered on this two hour journey of self discovery and mind numbing number bending is that I have no real clue about money.  That’s OK because I’m an artist and shouldn’t have to concern myself with mundane things like the repayment of loans, contractual obligations and tax.

Luckily for me, purse clutching primate George is going to get his crayons out and give everyone in Britain an itemised breakdown of where all that tax money is going to go this year.  Rather than bunging it online and announcing where to find it, our money mascot is going to send everyone a copy of his analysis (seen below) in the mail.

Now,  I’m not a massive environmentalist – I have been known to punch trees for fun – but uprooting the lungs of the world, mashing them into a pulp, drawing on them and shoving the results through my letterbox just seems superfluous when telling me how much money has gone where. If I want to curse and scream at how much tax goes on things I don’t like, want or support (such as the budget breakdown letter I’ll soon be clutching in my hand) then I’d rather do it in the comforting embrace of the chair by my internet computer, not wading through a sea of junk mail underneath my letter box.

You see, it’s not like George’s letter – a kind of mass mailed ‘thankyou’ from the Goverment’s ‘adopt a chimp’ campaign – will lie there on it’s own by my door.  No – it will have joined a plethora of pamphlets trying to sell me double glazing, or inviting me to take up Kung Jitsu, or informing me about low cost, affordable monthly repayments should I wish to buy a set of ‘highly collectable’ novelty spoons.

It’s spam!  Nothing more than spam! Worse than that, it’s spam made of dead tree that I’ll have to clear up. And where will I put my monkey missive when it arrives as a lifeless sliver, once part of Mother Earth’s breathing apparatus ?  In the recycling bin of course, after which it will be whisked away by petrol guzzling cars, recycled, drawn on by someone else and shoved right back through my house hole.  This, ladies and gentlemen, is how we’re ‘saving’ the economy and the planet … by encouraging chimpanzees to do sums and write letters.  This is how the Rise of the Planet of the Apes happened in that film… (I can’t remember what it was called – sorry).

I would suggest that we each write a letter of complaint to our respective governments about this kind of behaviour but that would be a further waste of paper.  Let’s avoid too much environmental damage by sawing through a single tree, then shoving it firmly up George’s treasury.


Additional Note

Wherever you live around the globe, you might like to try replacing the words George Osborne with the name of the incompetent buffoon who’s in charge of your national budget. There appear to be quite a lot of these idiots about at the moment, given the global meltdown of anything made of money…



© Nova Amiko and The Has Been Who Never Was 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nova Amiko and The Has Been Who Never Was with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.


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