75cl + 2 Shots / Eight Hours = …erm

It’s lonely drinks night at the HB/NW Showbiz Variety Club and, as I’ve had a ‘meagre tipple’ I’ve just been trying to assess whether or not I’ll end up killing other people when I don my Ford Focus Metallijacket tomorrow morning.  I personally think that I’m being incredibly responsible in checking how quickly I will sober up, although I can hardly read anything on www.drinkaware.co.uk at this current juncture – my pupils are constantly swaying inwards towards each other like two pals about to embark on a stag night bromance.

It’s really hard to work the mathematics out when one is half cut, and http://www.drinkaware.co.uk doesn’t appear to have any booze calculation widgets that will tell me if I’ll still be sauced up behind the wheel in a couple of hours. I did find one app that could tell me how many calories I’ll be piling on with my plonk but I’ve just been typing random things in all of the boxes and the site won’t accept any of my idiosyncratic answers.

Perhaps that’s the subtle sign I need to tell me that tomorrow should be a ‘no car day’.

All I want to do is work out how many units I’ve consumed, cross reference this key info with the time and then correlate the information to find out if I’ll still be drunk when wielding a 60 mile an hour, hurtling piece of metal during the school run…   I’m making some major lifestyle choices here and I just want to know if they’ll result in a cry of death – either my own or the final bleating of an innocent bystander.  It’s not a lot to ask!  I pay my taxes!  Why won’t the internet do all the maths for me !?!?!

Fine!  I’ll do it on my own…  a bottle of Silver Bleach GRAND RESERVE British Wine is 8 percent by vol, or six units…

Now… don’t have a pop about Silver Bleach GRAND RESERVE – I’m supporting the British economy by drinking this god awful vomit.  Another rather important reason for consuming Silver Bleach is that it’s currently available for two quid at Poundkiller.  This means that, if you buy three bottles and a bag of oven ready chips (66p), then you get to do the sign of the devil at the checkout – as the total cost of your purchases will add up to 6:66.

I am easily amused…

In an amazing coincidence, Copper Beach (or 'Fuel' as it is known within HB/NW circles) is another 8% by Vol. British Wine, currently available at Lidl for two pounds. It's quite fruity.

Back to drunken maths… let’s say it takes your average blokey bloke an hour or so to pee pee out a unit of alcohol (I have no clue – is this even true ?).  I also need to bear in mind that I can’t hold my booze very well.  When I was a teenager, this was a point of shame, but now that I have a mortgage, kids and, therefore, zero money for booze, it’s actually one of the most beloved talents that I possess – I have witnessed others almost crying at weddings because they couldn’t get their buzz on, despite sneaking back through the wedding line at the reception (multiple times) in order to bag a few more complimentary glasses of bucks fizz.  With me, I’m screaming like an Amsterdam whore  a few seconds after I sip a nip in honour of the bride…  I am a cheap night out.  In fact, forget that – if I sniff some trifle, then I’m unlikely to be able to waddle out of the house at all.

Right… so that’s six units sloshing inside a liverless weakling, which I’m guessing should be metabolised in six to eight hours… I’ve had a bit of a top-up with some cheap shots… so add another couple of hours into the mix… Adding those hours to now will lead me to x a.m., and as long as x a.m. is before my car journey, I’ll be safe.  Probably…

Only, what time is it now ?

And what was the number I first thought of ?

It appears that my usually Vordermanlike skills have been severely impaired by too much British wine but it suddenly dawns on me that it doesn’t matter a jot – Silver Bleach GRAND RESERVE is made in the UK, so it won’t work as it should anyway…


Always drink responsibly and wear full protection when driving. (i.e. seatbelt, crash helmet and condom) The above article, written while drunk, has subsequently been cleaned, wiped down and edited more ferociously than a CBeebies Bedtime Story read by Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown.  No drink driving was involved.

Check out http://www.drinkaware.co.uk to consider sensible drinking habits – but try to plan ahead and have a look before you get off your face, otherwise you’ll just become befuddled.


© Nova Amiko and The Has Been Who Never Was 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nova Amiko and The Has Been Who Never Was with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.


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