On Saturday, my family and I went to the Zoo to witness lots of depressed creatures wandering around in the rain… and some caged animals. Annoyed that the zoo inmates were getting all the attention, my two year old daughter, Orville MacDonalds (not her real name), became so frustrated at losing the limelight that she tried to snap one of her feet off. That’s my girl! I’ve taught her well – overzealous self publicity is the only way she will rise within the entertainment industry!
So today, it’s a trip to Accident and Emergency. Huzzah – I have finally got the role of ‘concerned parent / possible Social Services referral case’ in Casualty.
Ever one to create a showbiz opportunity, not only have I contacted the papers to let them know about my hospital trip, (known in the biz as the Jimmy Saville Manoeuver) but I have also brought along my ventriloquist’s puppet in order to entertain a captive audience of stab victims and drunks for the day.
…and it will be for the day, as this is the NHS we’re talking about. If you’re a foreign and don’t know what the NHS is, it’s the national British healthcare system that the government pretends to fund properly. In reality, the NHS relies on people in fancy dress begging for money outside every hospital in order to help pay for a new syringe, or nurse, or liver… etc. As a result of this funding hell, the process of triage in the emergency department is slower than two tortoises having sex on dope.
Don’t get me wrong – the people who work for the NHS, like other public sector workers in the UK, do an amazing job – creating miracles every day with the meagre resources that they are given. Nationally treasured magic sensation Paul Daniels would make a great nurse… so would Jesus come to that. (Both of these fellas should really get out of showbusiness and use their talents in the local hospital).
But now government
chancer chancellor George Osborne is expected to announce new plans that will harass hard working nurses further. He’s trying to scrap national pay schemes for public sector workers so that their wages will better reflect the local economy that they’re in…
I know… I didn’t understand a word of that either, so I asked a nurse.
According to Nursey, it boils down to this:- potentially less pay for workers in the public sector (nurses, teachers etc) if they work in an area with a struggling economy… or ‘anywhere’ as this type of location is sometimes known. Don’t worry if you’re on a permanent contract already Nursey – the government will freeze any potential pay rises and slowly let your paypacket die over the coming years until it properly reflects the rat infested, boarded up drug den that sits just opposite the flat that you can barely afford to keep anyway. The government knows that half of you nurses and teachers won’t notice – you’re too busy caring for other people – trying to make those miracles happen in order to drag society out of the mire.
Look… what do I know ? I’m just a has been who never was on his way to an impromptu ventriloquism gig. I’ll get back to what I can talk about with confidence – showbiz… and a script concept for a new episode of Casualty, based on real life…
INT Accident and Emergency Department. Day.
A ventriloquist is sitting in one corner trying to drink a glass of water and talk at the same time. The drunk next to him is clapping while a knife victim opposite is giving the act a big thumbs up. In another corner, a nurse is crying. In walks a fat man with a top hat – it’s the local MP who has gout from eating too much fancy cheese. He is smoking a money cigar and asking for directions to the nearest private hospital. As the toff leaves, the receptionist breathes out slowly, as if deflating.
…the sigh lasts for 45 minutes.
CUE END TITLES
© Nova Amiko and The Has Been Who Never Was 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nova Amiko and The Has Been Who Never Was with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.