It’s Saturday nite! It’s the telly! It’s TALENT NITE!!! Huzzah for the chosen few Wannabes picked to take exciting TV Journeys, as they ascend the showbiz ladder at dizzying, unholy speed. It’s Britain’s Got Talent… aka the Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Oh how we love our Saturday Nite Telly, but we’re flirting with the kind of show that will guide us up a dark alley and talk us into performing lurid, drunken sex acts… we’ll all wake up on Sunday morning with a hangover, a deep rooted sense of shame and the unnerving feeling that we’ve forgotten half of what we’ve endured on the previous night.
Make no bones about it people – the End of Ages has come and we’re all about to die… if we’re lucky.
In the seventies, we had the age of the train… all hail and praise be to Sir Jimmy Saville – the jingly, jangly Jesus figure who prophesied said age on national telly. A few decades later and the age of Aquarius was upon us – the dawning of a new millennium bringing with it the promise of a humanity now unbound by mere notions of the flesh – free to explore our deeper consciousness… Naturally, all that went boobies up with the age of the game show / reality / talent show combo – during which, telly went up it’s own bumtunnel, no doubt on it’s own ‘journey’… masterfully created by an ITV executive producer.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, that age is about to end… and nothing is beyond. Come on! Even the Mayans knew it.
Signs and portents have begun to appear –
Earlier this week, the Sun reported that Martyn Crofts – a man with a pan on his head – would try out for stardom on Britain’s got Talent this year… His unique selling point ? He can gargle like a Dalek. This is phase one of the self immolation of Mummy Universe – a kind of weeping suicide note that gently tears at the fabric of all logic and normality.
Phase two will no doubt be upon us if ‘Pan Man’ gets through to the next round, thereby defying the laws of cause and effect, forcing them to crumble like worn out biscuits on the plate of spacetime…
Dear God, please save us from phase three. Should it happen, Pan Man will be voted ‘hot’ by the general public, signifying a general embrace of chaos within our very souls. At this point, Mummy Universe decides to reach for the medicine cabinet in a desperate cry for help…
After phase three there will be no turning back… all hope will be lost, as Pan Man wins the competition. Even sexy physicist Brian Cox will admit defeat, telling us that the galaxy has turned into cake – the stars now tiny hundreds and thousands – such is the trauma that normality has suffered. See Brian Cox in the future… sitting in a corner, rocking slowly… gently humming ‘Things can only get Better’, but realising deep down that his life long pursuit of logic was a folly filled D:ream.
Is this what you want dear reader ? Is it really ? The sanity of Brian Cox is in your hands… if you want to see a scientist sneezing his own brains out in distress, then support ‘Pan Man’ as he attempts to woo the Zeitgeist.
It is near the end now… Pan Man will eventually vow to release a Christmas single – slated for release on the 21 December – the date upon which the Mayans predicted the end of all things…
And on that day, Mummy Universe listens to the single, shudders with grief and drunkenly tries to light what’s left of the meths she’s dribbled down her front during her final, angst filled drinking session. The Universe ends, not with a bang or a whimper… but with the sound of Pan Man, the screeching lovechild of Noddy Holder and Davros, yelling ‘It’s Christmaaaaas’ in a Dalek stylee…
(Technically, this means that a Dalek will destroy the Universe, so at least Doctor Who fans will have a geekgasm at our moment of departure).
Having said all that, it all sounds awfully good fun. I’ll be watching Pan Man! Will you be watching Pan Man ? I bet he’s a cheeky card! Oh go on! It’ll be Jedward all over again but with all that crazed hilarity rolled into one person.
In fact… Let’s dice with death. Vote for Pan Man if he ever reaches any form of phone vote… What do the Mayans know ? I bet they were never on Saturday Nite Telly!!!
© Nova Amiko and The Has Been Who Never Was 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nova Amiko and The Has Been Who Never Was with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.