I’m a Has Been – a showbiz creative, now placed on the back burner due to my age and inability to compromise when it comes to doing more ‘young and trendy’ material. Actually, scratch that… to be fair, I’d do anything any TV executive asked me if it would give me a boost to my already flagging media career. A bit of celebrity Big Brother perhaps ? Lock me away channel 5! A shot in the jungle eating gonads in front of Ant and Dec ? Yummy yummy! I eat balls for breakfast – metaphorically.
But no… the ‘phone has ceased to ring and, while once I was on any self respecting producer’s list of blocked numbers, I’m now not even that.
In terms of my celebrity journey I’m on the nightbus home, staring at the limos as they whiz by in the other direction… probably full of people on TOWIE. Why the bumchunks didn’t my parents have the foresight for me to be born in Essex, a few decades on from when I was actually coughed out… Now no-one will see my sizzling vajazzle.
Damn you Showbusiness, you fickle whore!
But there’s more to this tale of woe… Not only am I a Has Been, but I am a Has Been that Never Was – When it comes to getting my material out there I’ve had more near misses than a blind, drunken kitten flying a plane into Heathrow during the Summer holidays. Whether it’s poetry, prose, scripts, novels, comedy, even canvas art – you can almost guarantee that I’ve turned my hand to it… and no bugger has shown up to look. I am the ultimate intellectual masturbator – it’s just me, cracking another little something off in my converted garage, hoping that at least the neighbours can see me through the window.
Don’t you dare call me a Wannabe – that term is reserved for the kind of people who play Singstar on the Playstation and who think 80 percent pitch perfect performance on ‘easy’ entitles them to a shot at the Christmas number one. I’m not like those losers. I, sir or madam, have put the graft in… I’ve performed alongside Jimmy Cricket on the set of My Favourite Hymns; I’ve [partially] written [a speculative script] for [the slush pile at] the BBC; I was the lead editor on the European Sealing Association’s corporate video a decade or so ago; I’ve probably even shared the same lavatory as Rick Wakeman, who might have gone wee wees, or even taken a dump when he visited my place of business back in the nineties. So think on! I’m no mere Wannabe! I’ve had a career!
So how does any self respecting Has Been who Never Was (or HB/NW as we prefer to be called) survive in this increasingly media orientated, fame obsessed society – one in which all the young, talentless Wannabes are getting the gigs that we should have had years ago while we HB/NWs are crippled by the erosion of time and left to fall into the sea of forgotten dreams… ?
Apart from the obvious survival tactics – drink; prozac; trying out new material on Chatroulette – there has to be something more. This is what this blog is all about. Whether you’re a HB/NW or not, join me in celebrating the life and times of the original HB/NW! Marvel at all the ‘almosts’, stand pretending to be interested in the long winded, big name burdened anecdotes; spit virtual venom at reality TV shows, Wannabes and shortsighted producers… plus, witness whatever else I can come up with to entertain you! It’s what I was born to do, darling! Just because I was born in the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the wrong destiny, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t still give something back to the people who … will give me a go for once in my bitter, lonely career.
A few rules before we really get going: Spread the word. I want this blog to go as viral as a Scarborough town slapper with a latex allergy… and should this blog result in fame then I’d like you all to call it a comeback…
OK! Time to slag off the Entertainment industry! Hurrah!
© Nova Amiko and The Has Been Who Never Was 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nova Amiko and The Has Been Who Never Was with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.